“It is a blessing and a spiritual cleansing… otherwise it would not be happening…” said my dear lady friend, and well-known spiritual teacher.
She told me this two months ago while I was dealing with a very debilitating and scary pneumonia that lasted with strong symptoms for three months ~ cough, weight loss, intense pain, difficulty breathing, and lost of strength ~.
After more than two decades dedicated to spiritual growth and the deconstruction of my Ego, I could very easily agree with the “spiritual cleansing” part, as I found myself having to put “my life” on hold to find “my life” in each breath I took with a before unknown effort.
But for me to see the real blessing I knew I would have to do some dedicated and careful inquiry. And today as I breath with ease and contentment I am delighted to share four beautiful blessings!!!
1) I peeled a good layer of “pretense and pretends”. I am sure that there is a lot more, but I can feel a new sense of ease with who I am and with my path as it is in this life. Having to content myself with just one more breath, anything else felt like such a gift from life. I had a few dreams like the following one: I was in a yoga competition in which the winner was not the most pretty, flexible, or strong, but the one who was most faithful to her own body and her own breath; the one who moved with the most authenticity.
2) I entered a new dimension of love with my beloved husband. My vulnerable self gave him the opportunity to be present for me in an unprecedented way since the time we came together thirteen years ago. He flew ten thousand miles to come back home to take care of me. He canceled and postponed all kinds of “important” personal and professional engagements to make sure I got three meals a day and the right health care. I tasted a kind of motherly and compassionate love from him I did not know he possessed to the extent he now showed. Of course, this had a deep natural effect on my own heart melting so much deeper in my commitment to love and cherish him in his own unique expression of being.
3) I had a lucid and tangible experience of my own precious tribe. In those moments of fear, discomfort, and doubt of recovery I felt the unconditional love and prayers of so many. I did not intentionally spread the word of my pneumonia, but the word got out to those who needed to know. My Tibetan teacher, my Machi, my shaman friends, my witch doctors, my immediate and extended family, my old best friends, and my new best friends, they all offered prayers by their altars or simply by candle light. Even people who I encounter for a short moment during my illness gave their blessings. So in the one hand I could see death peeking through my meditation room window and in the other hand I had angelic beings lifting me up to a cloud of tremendous peace, love, trust, comfort, and joy.
4) I recently came out of this experience like a bear coming out of his cave after a long winter… And as I look at life in front of me like the bear looks at the spring sun for the first time in the season, I feel a deep commitment to share my medicine, my wisdom, and myself with those who are open and willing to receive. I am still tender in my new skin, and from this place of deep sensitivity I feel that I cannot give anything that I do not offer to myself first. So as I kindly take care of my being, I kindly offer what has matured in me like a tree that offers its fruits but not its branches.
As I fully embrace these four blessings I offer them to you.
With all my love,