The day my book Awakening Your Inner Shaman went to the printer a few weeks ago, I received heartfelt compliments from several friends. At home, my husband opened a nice bottle of wine and congratulated me with the grace of someone who has published 20 books himself.
However, underneath my faint smile I could not find real happiness or excitement. I noticed that I was holding my breath and experiencing tightness in my gut. The next day, instead of appreciating the blue skies above, I woke up inside a storm of emotions. I began shedding tears in front of my altar while sensing a growing panic.
In the midst of my visceral reactions, I recognized that a deeply rooted trauma had awakened and that I needed to go through a rite of death and rebirth. Thus, I prepared for a day a ceremony that I hoped would calm down my nervous system and bring my center of gravity back to my core being.
After settling in my gardens, I played the drum and offered my prayers to Pachamama, our great mother: “May my healing serve all life ”. Next, I lit the ‘copalera’ my smudging bowl with palo santo and other herbs, to empower my prayers: “May I see the cause of why I am so afraid of releasing this book that I wrote with such joy”.
Sitting in a little meadow with my altar, sweet smoke rising next to me, I kept playing the drum until I entered a soft
trance. In this state, I tracked the origin of my ‘freeze’ response to the thought of revealing my personal story.
Shame and blame is what I found in the form of thick fibers of energy embedded in the muscles of my back. As I had prepared to voice my creativity, the cruel whips of the past had become activated: “Who gave you permission to speak up? Don’t you dare to expose your tyrant! You’ll be punished, even killed, for betraying your masters!!
As I began extracting the energies in my back I knew that I was tapping into a collective narrative that tells us: “You do not own your body, your voice, or your life. You do not have permission to unchain yourself from our tyranny!”. I used my ceremonial knives to finish clearing it out.
In the end, I wept tears of joy and gratitude for tasting a new level of freedom. When we are in the game of shame and blame, we are hyperalert about being criticized. However, we must realize that is also our weapon: we do not hesitate to look for the weakest spot in others and to lash out when we feel offended.
I danced to the tune of my new truth, until my body understood in each cell that I am free to be me. This doesn’t mean to be good or bad, better or worse… Just myself!
Now, I can’t wait for you to read my new book!